so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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