dude i'm inner monologue high
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
