he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
