why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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