i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
