So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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