Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
