someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
