I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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