there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
