my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
