So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
