There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
