remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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