2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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