So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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