i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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