just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
