if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
