I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
