if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
