i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
