i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
