me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
