He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
