It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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