They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
