I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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