I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
