is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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