Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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