I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
