Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
