I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
