saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
