Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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