mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
