yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
