Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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