I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
