dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Small penises have feelings too.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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