Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I didn't notice because vodka
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
