I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
