Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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