She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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