i permit you to call me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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