coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
