my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
