nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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