I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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